I'm just depressed today. Tired of one person who's a downer at work. Tired of worrying. Tired of people believing the worst in me.

Also my dad is treating me a little strange. I wonder why that is. As if I'm 14 and not 40. Yesterday twice he treated me like a little kid. We were talking about retirement, benefits, Social security vs. state benefits, and though we've had this discussion before and my mom and I have had the whole discussion of how their retirement is working, and also all their investments, and my dad has no problem discussing which investments have done well for him and which haven't, and how he invested his money from the farm, I asked him what his retirement paid him, and he suddenly turns to me and puts on his "Ann is 10 years old" face and said "none of your business." I'm like, "huh? Um, OK." And he says "I won't tell you because I know what you're going to say." I said, "What do you think I'm going to say? I didn't plan to say anything." Then he said something under his breath, somethign about what he thought I would say. "What?" I asked. He muttered again and again I didn't catch it. I finally gave up but not without reminding him tha I was 40 and not 18 or 10 or 14 any more. And avoiding money discussion is wrong. He then went ahead and told me what his retirement was! I didn't say anything, so apparently he didn't hear from me what he thought he would, whatever that was.

Then again I randomly picked up a crossword puzzle book. He buys the puzzle books like I do. I knew it wasn't my mom's because she only does the most difficult ones and those crosswords were easy ones. My dad had done the first few. I picked up the book just to see what other types of puzzles were in it. He says, "Hey! What are you doing with my crossword puzzle book! Don't take my crossword puzzle book!" He thought I was going to steal it! Like I'm going to steal a little book from my dad!!! OMG what is going on with him?!!! Well anyway I guess we always have to get used to changes in our parents, or times when they don't realize we, their children, aren't the same people we were 25 years ago, either. They change but they think we've stayed the same!

Sometimes, though, it's hard NOT to get offended, ESPECIALLY, ESPECIALLY, MOST ESPECIALLY when I ask him if he's OK- for example, sometimes it sounds like he's struggling for breath and if I ask him if he's OK he gets VERY offended. I think surely he doesn't want anyone preoccupied over his health. He wants to think we don't notice these things. Dad if you ever read this (which I don't think he does), please don't be offended. I know you mostly like to be left alone. But sometimes people do have to look after you.
Ann

Major stressage at work today. I don't think there's any job that comes without major stressors. It would be nice if human nature were to analyze mistakes with the intent of blaming a process, not a person. But it doesn't work that way. Anyway I will admit I made mistakes. I made ONE of the many mistakes made at work today, but not understanding what someone told me. It was corrected in time. But another person, one I've referred to before, gets majorly stressed. She doesn't always admit mistakes BUT I do know she internalized stress so much I'm afraid she'll have a heart attack or stroke out or something. (Or worse, that I will get blamed for something, YIKES! Me? do something wrong?)

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Peruby. Pastor consultation was done years ago. Counseling, too. It might help, though the benefits of it weren't the greatest before, only because maybe my heart or maybe both our hearts were not really in it. A lot of resentment there. Sometimes we do things to sabotage our own good intentions.

Our pastor's great. However, I may seek another pastor, too, because right now our pastor himself is in a lot of difficulty. His son is very sick with a rare blood disease. The son is a young man, about 28, married with 2 small kids. I've known the family since the son was about 12 or so. Our pastor has been a huge blessing.

Yesterday I took the Lizhou people to Carew Tower- went to the top- that was refreshing. OK it's not the Sears tower but it is pretty high and we had a good time. There's one student that some other people have considered difficult, but I found him to be a very warm, intelligent, receptive person. I did not get that sense at all. Oh well, everyone reacts differently to each person.

Snowing again. Very pretty but I'm ready for warmth. I really wish I lived in Miami or Key Largo or Ft. Myers or really I would prefer one of those little small towns in Florida, not necessarily on the coast, just a nice house on the edge of Lake Okeechobee or something. I guess I'd be worrying about alligators then and wanting to move to Arizona with the coyotes.

Value of Life

Part of the problem, MUCH of the problem, in the way most people think in 2005 is that human lives are just another commodity. As the population expands many mistakenly, very mistakenly, believe that one human life is not worth much because there are so many others. In a new sci-fi only 40,000 humans are left in existence, and one of the goals of the people is to have a lot of babies. One life is precious because there are so few others. Species preservation and all that. However, there really are over six billion of us alive today. Because people view the world as burgeoning and bursting at the seams, some view it as OK and even desirable to throw away some. Lives are discardable and expendable. How wrong this is! (Funny how those who hold to this philosophy rarely want to "help" the situation by leaving earth themselves.) People are not like diamonds or coal or steel or any other traded good or service. It does not work that way. The seven billionth life is just as valuable as the first. A new life is worth an infinite amount. It is unique in personality and soul, even when not unique in body (identical twins, and in the future, clones, I guess, that's another crazy thing). Every soul is of infinite value and untradeable, it is not redeemable for cash or services, this is not how it works. Whether there are ten people left on earth or ten billion, the next baby born is of the same value- infinite.

Attention Zonie family!

Ellen and Chuck and Jean and Len:

CAN I PLEASE COME FOR A VISIT SOON? I PROMISE not to eat much and I am house trained. (big sheepish grin)


:)

nasty things in me

I'm here at work still with nasty little bugs crawling around in me. I have a fevery headache. Man this sucks. I shoulda gotten that flu shot but there was a shortage. The worst part is the bugs and nasties are staying inside and, there's no way to put this delicately...they are NOT leaving by any exit. The plumber was here fixing Conversa's sink and everyone suggested maybe he could help me.

Sick as a dog

Started feeling sick about 3 a.m. last night. I feel like I have a nail going through my intestines. Now I have the hiccups. I didn't go to work. I couldn't do any housework. So I laid around in my mess. I am GOING to be better tomorrow! I actually did some work from home for Conversa. But I was just too sick to get much done.

BLEAHHHHH.

Weather is great. About 70F, blinding blue sky and sun. It won't last. Tomorrow it's winter again. Oh for weather that lasts! You all in sunny places don't realize how grateful people like us are when we get just one nice day in February.

I'm caught up at work. I don't know how much of a good thing that is. It really means I need something steadier. I know I whine about it so I'm going to be busy sending the resumes. I'm too old and experienced to be makng the peanuts I make. And constantly getting that feeling of someone sitting with me in a chair too small, nudging me over and over and over to the edge. Everyone always gets that feeling here. That's the one Achilles' he G. has. Nickel and diming everyone.

Brian's been over all weekend. Micah's buddy. Finally took Micah to get his haircut. My little man had a broken heart Fri. though he shrugged it off pretty well. He took a little teddy bear and some candy to school for the girl he likes (Malea) and she gave the teddy bear to another girl. (gasp) HOW CRUEL! OF COURSE she was uncomfortable but she could have been, well, nice, and said thank you. She didn't have to agree to be his girlfriend. (sigh) I know kids are funny that way. I mean if I had gotten a gift from a boy I didn't like "that way" when I was in 6th grade, I probably would have been embarrassed, too. But isn't there some way to just be nice!? Oh man his precious little heart gets ripped out and stomped on. I played "L'Amour" (from Bitter Films, do a search engine on it)...in honor...for Luis, at work, because he complains about women...then Luis and I went for a bite of Mexican food, very yummy...he's just gone through a divorce but I don't think he wanted to get it. Gloria is a nice person. She's back in, where is it, Cuernavaca...? where they are both from. Oh, welllllllll.......LOVE HURTS! LOVE STINGS! I told Micah he could maybe start liking Diamond, the little girl who GOT the teddy bear. He said "No, she has a bad attitude and sucks her thumb."

I'm Sorry to Ellen and Chuck, Mom and Dad.

I'm sorry I offended you on my other blog entry. I should take it off. I just wanted to let you know that. It really isn't funny. There are a lot of things I'm not good at (which my kids are because they are younger). I see it in myself. I didn't when I wrote that and I do now. Aging is not a crime. I guess sometimes we should laugh at myself. I need reading glasses now and my kids make fun of my eyesight.

I do NOT see myself as young, either.

I do want to point out that Len and Jean continue to call ALL of you "you kids".

Sorry. I've said some shitty things before and that was one of them. Maybe if I wanted to touch on the subject I should have been a bit more tactful.

Hey Walt Churchill,

Can you say WANNABE??????????

OMG my boss' brother just committed suicide. Gerry always did say he suffered from severe depression. OMG what a tragic day for that family.

Keeping busy. Busy busy busy. I like being busy. biiiizzzzzzzeeee

sexual discrimination

I'm experiencing sexual discrimination at work. From only one person, though. This person will snap at women, question and second guess a woman's work. This person is very attentive, though, and readily accepts any authority from a man. This person really believes men are more competent and better at business and thinking in general. This person will chastise women but would never, ever have anything but utmost respect for a man. What is UNUSUAL? THIS PERSON is a WOMAN!!!!!!!

What's more, I (and everyone) really like her but sometimes she DOES irritate me. The fact that other people will understand makes it bearable...but yes it can be intimidating.

She is a VERY strict Muslim. 100% shariya laws. And very intense, serious, and private. She does not go to any company parties because beer is served there. But yes, I realize that in Islam, to follow the law completely, women ARE subservient, obedient, and all that. But it gets to the point where it's like for her, men are just never wrong. No matter what decision Gerry or Rafael made it was always right by her even when it was WRONG! Even when she KNEW it was wrong!

(sigh)

She worries because she thinks if she makes a mistake it's just gonna be chaos and armageddon, I mean making mistakes is HUMAN. The fact that Gerry (and when Rafael was there, he, too) actually sees women and men equally competent (I don't think he's ever questioned it, actually I feel sometimes he gives women the edge, he usually is more confident in their thoroughness, etc.)... well anyway, the minute she starts something...I mean she will worry over the most minor, minor, minor, MINISCULE things, make them into HUGE problems...

Sorry, I'm just running on again.

Congrats Patriots.

SSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUP NAZI ALERT at CONVERSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!