The interesting thing about what I do is that I get to shadow other people and see what THEY do. What better way to learn a job than to walk by the person and repeat everything they say. And then repeat everything the other person says back. I have seen a toddler who was healthy all of a sudden be brain damaged and the reason has not been found. Abuse, poison, etc. have all been ruled out. What happened? I have been helping a sweet 15-year-old girl in the process of miscarrying- and seeing her tears. Oh and if you think you have severe problems, how about a person who is 51 but looks 20 years older because life's been so tough, was abused as a child, lost 2 grown children to aids, believes no one wants or loves her, is going blind, has had a chest operation, has sores on her legs, is hearing voices, is suicidal, poor sweet lady, I just hugged her at the psychiatrist's office. The lady I've been with before, during, and after carpal tunnel surgery. The 25-year-old who's afraid she's going to die in childbirth- is pregnant now and is afraid she's going to lose the baby and die- and I get to tell her no, we won't let that happen, you can even have this child by cesarean. You don't have to have this baby like you did your first three starting ate age 14, all alone without even a midwife, the third fat baby causing your fistula 4 months after her birth (which was successfully repaired in Honduras and she can carry this next baby)...such sweet people I see, people who have had nothing in the way of money, and some are not even used to using currency at all. Sometimes I think I don't love people, but I think I do, at least sometimes. I always love the little children, in an emotional love. And if love is a decision, I think I love a lot of people. Although I don't always show it. Sometimes I don't feel love at all for anyone. Sometimes I wake up cursing my husband. If now out loud, in my head. Every f-word and s-word and combination thereof. Seriously. Because he's not a morning person, and neither am I, he starts arguments in the morning more than any other time of the day. It's a time when I can't walk away and he enjoys waking me. By noon the argument is usually over. Sometimes he'll call and apologize at about lunchtime. Sometimes I can't just say okey dokey, let bygones be bygones...I forgive but don't forget...and then so often I do forget. I'm rambling now...sorry...this is a blog more for sorting out my own thoughts...if you care to read this nonsensical epistle, then you're a better person than I'll ever be.

Well I'll keep at it even though pro'lly no one gives a flying fig for this blog. You mean everyone isn't dying to get a whiff of my life? You mean people don't notice me, spy on me, care what I think, recognize me, or follow me? Haaawhaaaaat? I guess that realization makes me (gulp) UN-paranoid schizophrenic!

I have a neighbor who thinks he's being spied on. He thinks: 1. In about 1990 George H.W. Bush flew a helicopter over his house. 2. People use computers to spy on him and therefore computers are evil. 3. Now, every time he goes to the park to fly his kite, planes deliberately fly very low because they think his kite is a weapons system and they are swooping low to check it out. And more, more, more...

The sad truth is there is no one, no paparazzi, no government officials, no one interested a fig in what he thinks. He stops short of seeing people who aren't there, but I do have a friend who actually has bouts of schizophrenia. Sometimes he's totally lucid, very successful, very engaging, and then sometimes he goes through a phase where he's so totally out there. The last time he went through a phase he said quite calmly that there are aliens all about, he's part alien, and he can tell the aliens from regular humans because he can see their real face behind the superimposed human phase. OK, now I have a brother who I KNOW does a lot of work helping cities clean up environmental toxins. But he also swears he's had people tap his phones, follow him on planes, there are always shadows around corners...because he knows things that others don't know about gov't plots to aid polluters...now to a certain extent his experiences fighting big business and the army are real (he helped lobby 8 cities from burning army chemical weapons, which causes severe anomalies in those affected- this part's true, cause I had to look it up myself), and I'm not always exactly sure where the truth ends and the illusions begin...now he had a bout with some types of recreational drugs that may have caused some of the illusory enhancement of his experiences. And he's actually becoming much more lucid now that he isn't smoking as much pot (maybe none at all) and he hasn't done heavy things in years. I am hoping that it is his brain repairing itself. He still drinks too much alcohol and I fear it hinders the process. So I pray...the alcohol doesn't give him weird ideas but it does just numb him sometimes. Some people have thoughts with such sharp blades that they feel a need to numb them for a while. Of the 4 of us siblings he was probably the smartest and I hate that there's so much knowledge up there mixed with imagination, which tends to negate what he DOES know to the rest of the world. He is really intelligent and does know a lot of stuff. Oh to pick his brain and throw out the trash! What a world of knowledge he has!

Additional thought: I think my brother's whole start with drugs and stuff is due to depression which runs like grassfire through the generations of my family, both sides but especially my mother's- I personally am on effexor for the rest of my life- it's an utter godsend to a bipolar person such as myself. Many people need prozac or zoloft or lithium or effexor (tried 'em all) at some epoch in life but in my case, my depression is utterly NOT experience-based (though the fact that I had depression caused me to make bad decisions that CAUSED bad experiences). What I'm saying, I remember having depression as a child, wondering if it would ever end, why did I worry, and I also remember having horrible horrible HORRIBLE visions of people cutting my cat to pieces and how I cried!!!!!! I LATER had these visions post-partum and had visions of people taking my babies and doing awful things. After I took effexor, these visions totally DISAPPEARED! The BRAIN is an organ and you MUST look after its health. Having enough serotonin to transmit messages is super important, what I take is an uptake inhibitor. Side effects? Fatigue, weeeeeeiiiird dreams which often repeat over and over, which are extremely vivit but NOT unpleasant! ....and night sweats with those dreams. I wake up soaked head to foot but I'd never stop my medicine on that account. I'd rather lose my limbs than have depression again. YES IT IS THAT BAD!!!! When I was 17 and had mono I think my depression was one of the worst ever- and I believe God allowed me to have that experience before my parents or even most doctors knew how to diagnose or treat it the way they do now. (I was born for such a time as this.) Now I KNOW, years later, that the epstein-barr virus is one of the most extreme serotonin depleters ever! But it is amazing the talks I had with God at that time. And then amazingly I was healed within 3 weeks.
I now have many family members- cousins, etc., who have had to take things for depression. And other people (my brother Dave for example) who seem to remain amazingly unaffected. Aren't THEY lucky!
In my case I'm bipolar- the flip side of depression is the mania- which is like being on a fast, fast roller coaster all the time- utter euphoria- utter giddiness- and you think somehow you rule the world, you're famous, people guess or know or admire you. And intellectually you know it isn't true. But you get so incredibly CRAZY you make ridiculous decisions (which I have done), or (which I have ALSO done), you make ridiculous decisions which in turn cause more mania. It's like you're flying, swimming, swinging, moving, looping in a race care, not caring, not wanting to stop, laughing, pure exhiliaration. It's CRAZY! The bad thing is that when you're IN mania, someone else who knows you has to stop you, because you don't want to leave that altered state.

Spiritual things, Japan, and all. that. jazz.....

Nathanael and I went to the first meeting of Luther League for the year. New leader is very called to be there and I think it's a good fit. Nathanael was enjoying himself and the other kids. And the leader explained that the youth group was to be threefold in its makeup- one of those 3 being spiritual- Christian, that is- otherwise, it's just a group of kids doing stuff. The other 2 are group dynamics and service. With group dynamics and service you get the Y (though their original intent was also Christian-oriented). With the spiritual dimension added, with prayer and Christian focus, then you have character building. You can get the growth that will not pass away someday as will all temporal things.

After much hassle (Sprint, for one, with whom I have out-of-country calling service, which I pay $4 a month for, but that I STILL for some reason don't have, even after MUCH waiting and frustration with the worst Customer Service in the entire known universe)...going to Steph's to get keys, going downtown, getting in the office...I ended up talking with Shinjo Iwao-san for some time. He just HAPPENED to be in his office when I called. We made some neat plans and I think he was being polite and is probably wondering how in the heck he'll tell us he can't really use us but come visit my class anyway....since they already have similar partnerships set up...well, he said, "by the way it's a national holiday, grandparents' day, so....none of your other contacts will be open. In fact where I am, I'm the only one here"....so....LOLOL...maybe all the hassle was a divine message that it's wasn't worth the trouble...but then God rewarded the trouble with at least having the one contact I wanted to speak with in the office at that particular moment on his day off. :) OK it's just my interpretation of events but it COULD be true! God has in the past used much more direct cause-effect ways of dealing with me. We have some arrangements, God and I.

And yes I'm calling Mr. Iwao "san" because he's 63 years old!

Micah has had a meltdown with Brian which culminated in Brian breaking Micah's walkie talkie, one of the set of two I got for Micah's birthday, for the purposes of him and Brian being able to have fun communicating with them, which they did for a long time. Well Brian paid me and Micah the $40 that I said one costs, though they probably only come in sets of two. I've had issues with his father, who was in his right mind the past few days, but got drunk and verbally abusive when he took his kids AND Micah to King's Island a while back. Now Micah's thick as thieves with Matt, whom he originally did NOT like. Well I took my kids and Matt to the park today as today was unbelievably gorgeous, pristine, and sparkling clear. The poplars trembled in the wind and their leaves' silvery undersides were like a picture of Heaven to me. Well what did the kids do in the park? After about an hour there a park ranger comes to me with Micah and Matt in tow saying "Is THIS yours?" (pointing to Micah who had already started trying to explain that he "made a bad decision...") Well it turns out he threw a plastic bottle of tapwater from the second story of the park recreational center because "it was funny" in a David- Letterman-throws-watermelons-from-the-Ed-Sullivan-theatre sort of way. The problem was that in Micah's case there were actually people under there who were in danger of being ambushed by plastic bottles of water so the ranger dragged them both to me. One of the other things Micah was sure to do was exonerate Matt. Matt's usually the nuisance but Micah pointed out Matt had nothing to do with it. That was good of Micah because if Matt had done it Micah would surely have let me know.
Matt's got sticky fingers and is generally a bull in a china shop and has a potty mouth. But he's also quite attention-starved, lonely, and spiritually hungry. He enjoys the Sunday School. I wish I could always say the same for my kids. Or even me. So I am glad that he came with Micah to Sunday School this a.m. (first day of classes for this fall). And Nathanael had his class with the same group that met later this evening.

Well today I got to tell someone they didn't have gonorrhea, happy happy joy joy.

Been working on powerpoint presentation.

Got to see a tooth cut out today, happy happy joy joy. Not just twisted out but they had to cut through bone. Yippee!

Every chance I think of, I ask people to teach me Mam. Today I learned from the toothache sufferer. I repeated over and over in Mam the phrase, "I am seated here." Can I remember it now? Guess again! I do remember the syntax, though. Seated I here.

And Sunday night, I get to call a bunch of places in Japan (Monday morning there) and use my extremely halted Japanese to try to make appointments for us to go speak at their schools! Oh joy joy joy!

Why on every map (including the most recent of National Geographic) of Native American nations/settlements, do they say Cincinnati is devoid of Indians? (Yes, the American ones, not the ones Columbus thought he saw.) I see tons of Mam people every day!!! I mean there are probably 40,000 Mam people here in Cincy! Most in Lower Price Hill. Are these maps not up to date with migratory history? I mean they have the Navajo migration of 800 years ago but not the Mam migration to Cincy (and I-75 corridor cities) of the last 5 years. I see more Native Americans than I would if I lived in Tuba City. Honest. We have serious problems in "classifying" people. The Mam are so often classified as Hispanics. Which they are. Like Dominicans are classified as Hispanics. Which they are. But they could also be classified as African-Americans, which they are. Argentines are classified as Hispanics. Which they are. But they could also be classified as Caucasians. Which they are. What is up with "classifying" people anyway!? It's so crazy! The thing is, do we classify on the basis of language? (Hispanic) Or this elusive thing called "race"? Anyway so many people in Cincy are "mixed" anyway. Matisse. Metis. Mestizo. Whatever. Why bother? Is there a point? Why are the Native Native Americans of Ohio not really connecting to the Immigrant Native Americans? I don't see Guatemalans in pow wows. Powwows seem to be a US/Canada thing. Is "immigrant native American" an oxymoron? Really people are just continuing a pattern people have been on since their genesis- OK? Migration, emmigration, going here, going there-look at the criss-cross of languages spoken in Europe, Africa, America, Asia, say in the year 1700. The Algonquian languages were from the east coast to California! Karok and Shawnee. I mean these people got around. Without big pack animals! Think of the Incan Empire! I mean people were NEVER in this sort of "stasis" where they just were stuck where they were. Think of ALL the tribes contributing their words to the English language. (Yes, English is an adopt-a-word language, not an invent-a-word language like Nahuatl or Navajo. No wonder when you have a Navajo word translated into English it has to streeeetch out....like People-of-the-Streaked-Earth-Clan being all one word...)

I think it interesting that the geneses of human civilizations continue to point to a certain period of time around 6000 years ago, for the rise of civilizations concurrently in many parts of the world- South America, China, Mesopotamia. I don't think that before that so many people wandered around for millions of years producing or doing nothing. There was a definite change. Bang. And there were people as we know them. People as we know them were as we are. Artistic. Moving. Superstitious. Surviving. Communicating. Spreading DNA. Drifting. Learning. Losing communication. Most of all, aesthetically tailored to each area. Which made contact with strangers difficult because they couldn't understand each other's sense of beauty. That has probably been, more than language, the most difficult cultural barrier to cross. We are as close now as we have ever been, as a people, to having 90% of the people on earth adhering to what approximates a shared aesthetic perception. In other words, what's beautiful in Norway is beautiful in Ghana. And China. And Colombia. Which makes the world friendly to some people who happen to have those desirable qualities and unfortunately for some, not so friendly. Aesthetics sux sometimes. But look at Miss Universe competitions. All the women have the same body type, same face structure, same makeup. That couldn't have been done 200 years ago without worldwide TV, communication, radio, travel possibilities. Oh but in whatever aesthetic ideal, someone wins and someone loses, right? I'd have been a big loser in Mauritania of 1500 when the blackest of skin was considered the most desirable. Now it sucks so bad for so many dark-skinned black women. IT SUCKS! I live in a 50% black city and I see this all the time. I used to work in a 90% black school and even when I went to Senegal, even among African people I see now, and among so many Hispanic cultures, they want the light skin. It's an aesthetic created by old money. Colonial money. But it sticks today. And conversely, I am from common German peasant stock. I tell Guatemalans and Mexicans that my grandmother was an empleada. She was! I have no old money. In Iowa or Ohio I'm just one of the flock. But in some places since I'm white it's considered by the locals to be a good thing. It looks like old money. They don't realize that's why they think it's good. But it's old money. Light skinned blacks look like old money. Because their grandfathers had money. Thomas Jefferson had money (before he spent it all). Wherever you go lighter skin looks like old money. It's colonial aesthetics in the post-colonial era. I wonder if it will change. If it were dark skin that looked like old money then it would still be aesthetics of some sort. Some poor untannable soul would suffer.

Have been chilling, interpreting, working on my PowerPoint, today I'm going to Rough (yay! I love that place!) and today Gerry's getting my ticket. You know it's a small company and it's not like a big company corporate trip where things are just paid for and approved just like that. I mean it's a big outlay to do this.
This is kind of our last chance to make a first impression. Otherwise this is going to die. Japanese and Americans are just not responding to the message board, etc. But in their defense it's a little difficult to use.

We just want to get people to make friends. Even if you can't or don't want to go to Japan, it would be nice to post a message on the message board. Post on any topic.

From the beginning this thing lacked focus and so now I want to go over there and really polish this up.

There are 5 of us going. I'm the only chick... :) which is fine! I grew up with only brothers, and now I have a husband and 2 boys- so being the only chick is comfortable for me. It's my whole life. Now Gerry and Michi have to match us up with host families. I'd prefer staying with Japanese people, not Americans. I want to practice Japanese. My only fear is food allergies (shellfish, etc.). I don't want to insult anyone by saying, "Um, I can't eat your oystery, clammy, mussely, squiddy, shrimpy, salty, oceany, briny food, even though I'd like to...just gimme plain fish...mizo soup...and lots of rice...and steak...and egg sushi. But not the fish sushi or the really salty stuff." Boy if Steve were going he'd eat the whole country into oblivion.

Right now I'm praying for people I know in Jamaica. Long story but I'm not so crazy about them as their little boy. Anyway I'm still praying for them even if I don't like them, because whether I like them or not is immaterial. And their little boy is SOOO adorable. Have other friends in Florida, too, who have doubtless suffered the wrath of Charlie and Frances and now Ivan is on the way. But right now it's hitting Jamaica.

Today I saw: baby with roseola, tooth extraction, an almost tooth extraction, baby getting checkup and shots and referral for more Pediasure to gain weight (he won't eat!), lessee- a woman with gastritis, and so on...the best part of everything is playing with babies while waiting...babies are so yuuuuummy, I wanna eat them up with kisses...

Trying to catch up on Japanese so as to be ready for this trip. If something thwarts it now I'll be pretty upset. This month's a slow one at Conversa classwise (few students). Haven't had the interpreting work either that I had last month. So far. I need the $$. After Japan I'm gonna have to search for a "real" job (by that I mean guaranteed full-time). Right now at Conversa the classes aren't much. I'm taking some time to do a "labor of love" (more like "free suck-up labor") for which I'm getting paid a little but much of it is just stuff I'm doing at home- a PowerPoint to show to the folks in Japan. To get them to want to come here and give us their business. :)

An incredible and continuous siege by the hurricanes in Florida, and their poundings are relentless. And interesting. I would love to chase them. I'm joking that disasters either succeed or precede anywhere I go, seeing that earthquakes hit Japan today. Of course there are no fewer degrees of separation between me and disaster than anyone else and disaster. Disasters happen. Utterly heartbreaking are the ones humans cause, and those children in Russia, those beautiful children, deserve more than my useless tears. I saw a picture of a rescuer carrying out a little boy, with a sworl of hair at his crown so much like Micah's...I long to know that little boy...I love him.

We saw the Toyota/WEBN fireworks-spectacular as always- perfectly timed with the music- they really had it on each beat, timing the explosions and music-by-radio in near-perfect synchronicity. We all went with Karl and Kenny and Karl's friend Mark was there. This was the guy we used to know as "Booger" (since he looked like the character "Booger", the guy who on some show married Allyce Beasley)...boy was he annoying then...but I didn't even recognize him as the same person. Until they reminded me but since I didn't really see him in the light, I just couldn't believe that was the same person. I mean he's still kind of goofy but not like he once was, though Steve says he still is as cheesy. I mean he actually has a woman and kids and grandkids. Or stepgrandkids. Or his wife's a stepgrandmother. Or they're married off and on and have a daughter. Or something. I don't know. There are 3 grandkids. I don't know who is the parent of the daughter. I think he is. Whatever. The grandkids are cuuuuuute.....adorable... But who can figure families out when the daughter has 3 "baby daddies" and who knows whose DNA is where. At least they're mixing the DNA up a healthy bit since Mark is of Philippine origin and 2 of the baby daddies are Mexican and other people of other origins are all in the mix.

OK we get home and the first thing Micah sees is a pile of...something...on the NEW carpet...Nathanael says "I thought you put out all 3 cats!" "I did!" I reply, frantic to know what this heap of black stuff is. "Oops," he then remembers, "Uh, I left my window open." NIIIICE! So the cat comes in and barfs BUGS onto the carpet!!! WWWWTTTTTTFFFFFF?!!!! I mean at least since I just defleaed the cats the bugs in the carpet will at least all be DEAD. So I clean up the mess, figuring I could scream at him to do it but he would end up not cleaning it WELL enough since lately any housekeeping job I ask him to do is done sorta halfway. I used some of Martha's ultra-powerful lye soap which gets out ANYTHING 100%. Thank goodness for stain resistant treatment, too, and the fact that not much fluid accompanied what looked like a nice Fear Factor meal. Do I have you gagging yet?

Recent happenings:

Went to Shriner's to give little Alejandro a birthday present- he was so precious- Micah came with me- and the gift was a little transformer toy- car to robot and back again- well the little guy had just had his last surgery and was kinda groggy. But he liked the feel of the toy in his hand, one of the few parts of his body not covered by gauze.

That's his last surgery and in a couple of weeks is going back home to N. Carolina. And will be running around again like a typical 4-year-old boy. He is precious.

Josefa had her baby, the one with multiple anomalies, most of the brain outside the body. They held the baby as it lived, about 10 minutes until he/she died. I'm sure it was scary for them. I talked to the doctor who delivered this child but she could not divulge all the info to me. But of course there was no way the little one could have survived. But in Heaven this child will be made perfect.

Nathanael's starting his t-shirt business, and one is about the coming ice age, which he is a die-hard, well, either believer, or fan, whichever way you want to look at it. He has several t-shirt designs and is selling them online, I guess. But he had to acquire the right to copy a picture from the cover of an ice age book, and he took the trouble to contact the artist, etc., and get her permission. :)

I'm psyched to go to Japan. It will be so much fun! You want to know what the best part is? That none of the days in Japan will hit any of those "special" days...I'm so anemic I just don't want to be tired there...I'm so tired of being old and yet not actually being old enough to, well, not have kids. (good split infinitive) I just have sooooo much trouble now with the associated PAIN....PAIN....PAIN....nothing that Advil won't cure, mind you, but when the pain hits it is SO ACUTE. It is NOT a dull ache, it is a sharp, stabbing pain in either ovary, and yes I already know what is causing it but there's nothing to do about it right now since it's nothing serious enough to do anything about. I've had a doc suggest hormonal treatments and that it won't interfere with the Effexor, but I'm sort of apprehensive about the weight gain if I did that. And another suggestion about this operation where they scrape the lining out of the uterus, but what would that do for the ovarian pain? I always figure the healthiest thing is to do whatever causes the least interference in my body so I guess tolerating it for the time being is all I can do.

....sigh....

Another day of Micah acting up...and then getting punished....and then the drama! To be honest sometimes I don't like Steve's discourse with the kids. His meaning gets lost in the whole diatribe. But Micah needs the discipline. He does stuff he KNOWS he's not supposed to do. Me, I worry about the safety of both my kids. Spiritual and physical safety.

I'll be in Japan from Oct. 16 to Oct. 25. I'm really excited! If you're interested, go to www.chat-radio.us/englishnetwork.htm