Thanks for reading. I am in depression now. I am very worried that I will not be able to get another job-they just aren't out there. The ones I have applied to have dozens of other applications. The best thing it seems is to sit on unemployment rather than taking a regular job at a store or something since I've done the calculations and that money would not make up what I would be getting in unemployment. It seems God wants me here for Micah right now. Micah was getting in more and more of a mess and I was oblivious, or at least mostly unaware, of how much it was until Feb. 2 when the cops took marijuana from my house and I almost lost my mind. I have been in a depression ever since. I am taking hypothyroid meds which seem to help somewhat but now I am at the end. I am breaking apart here now with the fact that we are not going to be able to complete Nathanael's education. I am going to cash all of my teacher's retirement, which isn't a whole lot, but it may help for a semester or two. Please, please, anyone who has suggestions on how to help your fav Grinnellian, please help. Steve's job is good but it just does not pay for what they ask for plus all of our other expenses. When his company got bought out last year they cashed in everyone's options. Well Steve had some nice money in those options but we have to pay almost 18K in taxes on them this year. Those are quickly running out. Every month Steve puts 2K of his money over there and that doesn't leave much for living expenses when you consider he's putting money in retirement. Steve has said he wouldn't take his retirement for Nathanael's schooling. I just don't want Nathanael to be strapped with debt due to my layoff or due to Steve and I not agreeing on what to do. People say why doens't he sell his motorcycle, etc. Well Steve worked darn hard and people could have said that to dad about the motorhome he bought, with 4 kids coming up on college and all, but it was something he really wanted and that we all enjoyed. People you all know I am a thrifty shopper and do not get expensive stuff. I sometimes shop at Aldi's. I always use a Kroger card. I may not be the best at clipping coupons but I have used them. I am not even buying new clothes or anything at this point. I know that when I get a job again it will probably not be the kind I have been used to. I know that in depressions people have taken whatever work they can get and I will, too, if God allows me to do it.
I know that if I had not lost my job at Hillman, Micah would have gone and done what he did and I would probably have had to take time off or quit anyway in order to assess and deal with this situation. If I were still working there, he would be still in all sorts of trouble and probably not in Dohn School since I am his means of transportation. I think I probably would have lost my mind more than I am now. I did really like that job.
I just went and applied for a job 2 days ago at a place; when I got there, 2 other people were filling out apps; I gave them my apps and my nice shiny resume on top of it. I mean I was wearing my business clothes and my credentials are perfect for the job. Really perfect. But out of hundreds of applications I am not holding hope for this. If I get this, how will I manage Micah too...and his community service, which is at Crossroads, which I have to drive him to and manage.
Sometimes I sit with him in Dohn School and I feel like an adjunct nothing, a useless person sitting there because I have nothing else to do.
You guys Nathanael already has loans he will have to pay back; that's part of the package; I would really like not to have to compound this with more loans that will strap him for years to come. He is doing so well and thriving so well there...All I am saying is....HELP. He is doing so well at Grinnell. He is thriving. He has been involved in the publication of several books there. I can get copies to you all if you want them. Or he can get some to all of you. I am so proud of him. I just wish I were well.
You may be interested to know that he helped edit and publish a book about some tenements in the Washington, DC area written by a student who grew up there; Irene, I will send you a copy of this book if you want, a book about DC from Grinnell Press, with Nathanael as one of the main editors.
You all know I am doing everything I can do and it just is not enough. I have failed. We have failed. We wanted to graduate a son not steeped in debt. A little debt is fine but not buried in it. Every day I am losing sleep, I am losing my hold. I am praying a lot. Some aspects of my faith are changing. I have too much time to kill and these great swaths of time when I feel I should be doing something...this is insanity....I get on a few of my favorite web sites but I need my family right now, all of you guys, I am falling apart.
posted by Ann @ 8:12 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
I will come down on Tuesday. Or maybe we can meet somewhere at Northgate for lunch and afterwards go browse at Bprders. Talk to you later. Mom
Ann,
I have been thinking all weekend about how I can answer you, because I love you and care very deeply that you are hurting. The thing is, as much as I wish I could, I cannot solve your problems for you.
But I do have a couple of things to say. First of all, please don't try to tackle all of the problems at once. It doesn't work and just gets you more upset. My suggestion is to do the best you can to put Nathanael's money problems out of your mind. You are looking too far ahead in trying to solve his future debt. Right now the whole world has money problems. We have all lost tons of money or equivalent in this very bad market. It will turn around some day, and Nathanael will deal with it as an adult when his time comes. He is very resourceful already, earning a little money from his fonts. He will surprise you about how well he can handle himself.
Second, although it obviously is very difficult for you to be out of work yourself, that too will turn around someday. Until it does, and for now, you do need to concentrate on Micah and giving him all the love, attention and training you can muster.
You say it is difficult for you to sit around while he is in school. If you are forced to remain either in your car or in a room somewhere, with supposedly nothing to do, I have one suggestion for you. Take along one of your favorite pieces of literature, maybe something from your church. Also take a spiral notebook and pencil. Then while you are sitting, begin translating that piece into Spanish. Not only will this keep your skills going but you may end up with a product that you could give to some Hispanic people who might appreciate it.
Finally, keep monitoring your thyroid and don't give up on the medicine if you feel it isn't working. It takes awhile for your system to become stable. Thyroid problems are not fun, but you can learn to live with them.
I'm glad your Mom is going to spend some time with you. I know she can give you the best advice in the world.
In the meantime, please find some peace in the thought that so many people care about you.
Love,
Aunt E.
Instead of writing smething in here, I'm going to write a blog to you. It should be done sometime tonight.
You are blowing this way out of proportion. Graduating with student debt is not that big of a deal. Nathanael is clearly not materialistic so why are you so worried about this small debt he will have? This is the new American reality for the forseeable future. You should worry more about your retirement than Nathanael's college expenses, and all financial analysts would give you that advice.
Dave
David is absolutely right. The amount of debt that Nathanael will have is in reality miniscule. In fact, as he pays it off he can deduct the interest during tax time. As David said, Nathanael is resourceful. If it doesn't bother him then it should not bother you. It really is not a big deal.
You need to get out and about every day rather than sitting there, and sitting there and sitting there - Geez.
Dad
Hi Ann is Juan Eduardo from Chile, I come here sometimes since you told me about your blog.
I´m feeling sad because of you, your troubles with Micah, and unemployed and health. But I agree with Dave, don´t worry about that, this are new times, I also took that way to pay my daughter´s University, is the only way...try to be calm, only God knows why the things are going like today for you.
Kind regards
jeg
Thanks all of you- you have all been so helpful.
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