The interesting thing about what I do is that I get to shadow other people and see what THEY do. What better way to learn a job than to walk by the person and repeat everything they say. And then repeat everything the other person says back. I have seen a toddler who was healthy all of a sudden be brain damaged and the reason has not been found. Abuse, poison, etc. have all been ruled out. What happened? I have been helping a sweet 15-year-old girl in the process of miscarrying- and seeing her tears. Oh and if you think you have severe problems, how about a person who is 51 but looks 20 years older because life's been so tough, was abused as a child, lost 2 grown children to aids, believes no one wants or loves her, is going blind, has had a chest operation, has sores on her legs, is hearing voices, is suicidal, poor sweet lady, I just hugged her at the psychiatrist's office. The lady I've been with before, during, and after carpal tunnel surgery. The 25-year-old who's afraid she's going to die in childbirth- is pregnant now and is afraid she's going to lose the baby and die- and I get to tell her no, we won't let that happen, you can even have this child by cesarean. You don't have to have this baby like you did your first three starting ate age 14, all alone without even a midwife, the third fat baby causing your fistula 4 months after her birth (which was successfully repaired in Honduras and she can carry this next baby)...such sweet people I see, people who have had nothing in the way of money, and some are not even used to using currency at all. Sometimes I think I don't love people, but I think I do, at least sometimes. I always love the little children, in an emotional love. And if love is a decision, I think I love a lot of people. Although I don't always show it. Sometimes I don't feel love at all for anyone. Sometimes I wake up cursing my husband. If now out loud, in my head. Every f-word and s-word and combination thereof. Seriously. Because he's not a morning person, and neither am I, he starts arguments in the morning more than any other time of the day. It's a time when I can't walk away and he enjoys waking me. By noon the argument is usually over. Sometimes he'll call and apologize at about lunchtime. Sometimes I can't just say okey dokey, let bygones be bygones...I forgive but don't forget...and then so often I do forget. I'm rambling now...sorry...this is a blog more for sorting out my own thoughts...if you care to read this nonsensical epistle, then you're a better person than I'll ever be.