Thanks for reading. I am in depression now. I am very worried that I will not be able to get another job-they just aren't out there. The ones I have applied to have dozens of other applications. The best thing it seems is to sit on unemployment rather than taking a regular job at a store or something since I've done the calculations and that money would not make up what I would be getting in unemployment. It seems God wants me here for Micah right now. Micah was getting in more and more of a mess and I was oblivious, or at least mostly unaware, of how much it was until Feb. 2 when the cops took marijuana from my house and I almost lost my mind. I have been in a depression ever since. I am taking hypothyroid meds which seem to help somewhat but now I am at the end. I am breaking apart here now with the fact that we are not going to be able to complete Nathanael's education. I am going to cash all of my teacher's retirement, which isn't a whole lot, but it may help for a semester or two. Please, please, anyone who has suggestions on how to help your fav Grinnellian, please help. Steve's job is good but it just does not pay for what they ask for plus all of our other expenses. When his company got bought out last year they cashed in everyone's options. Well Steve had some nice money in those options but we have to pay almost 18K in taxes on them this year. Those are quickly running out. Every month Steve puts 2K of his money over there and that doesn't leave much for living expenses when you consider he's putting money in retirement. Steve has said he wouldn't take his retirement for Nathanael's schooling. I just don't want Nathanael to be strapped with debt due to my layoff or due to Steve and I not agreeing on what to do. People say why doens't he sell his motorcycle, etc. Well Steve worked darn hard and people could have said that to dad about the motorhome he bought, with 4 kids coming up on college and all, but it was something he really wanted and that we all enjoyed. People you all know I am a thrifty shopper and do not get expensive stuff. I sometimes shop at Aldi's. I always use a Kroger card. I may not be the best at clipping coupons but I have used them. I am not even buying new clothes or anything at this point. I know that when I get a job again it will probably not be the kind I have been used to. I know that in depressions people have taken whatever work they can get and I will, too, if God allows me to do it.
I know that if I had not lost my job at Hillman, Micah would have gone and done what he did and I would probably have had to take time off or quit anyway in order to assess and deal with this situation. If I were still working there, he would be still in all sorts of trouble and probably not in Dohn School since I am his means of transportation. I think I probably would have lost my mind more than I am now. I did really like that job.
I just went and applied for a job 2 days ago at a place; when I got there, 2 other people were filling out apps; I gave them my apps and my nice shiny resume on top of it. I mean I was wearing my business clothes and my credentials are perfect for the job. Really perfect. But out of hundreds of applications I am not holding hope for this. If I get this, how will I manage Micah too...and his community service, which is at Crossroads, which I have to drive him to and manage.
Sometimes I sit with him in Dohn School and I feel like an adjunct nothing, a useless person sitting there because I have nothing else to do.
You guys Nathanael already has loans he will have to pay back; that's part of the package; I would really like not to have to compound this with more loans that will strap him for years to come. He is doing so well and thriving so well there...All I am saying is....HELP. He is doing so well at Grinnell. He is thriving. He has been involved in the publication of several books there. I can get copies to you all if you want them. Or he can get some to all of you. I am so proud of him. I just wish I were well.
You may be interested to know that he helped edit and publish a book about some tenements in the Washington, DC area written by a student who grew up there; Irene, I will send you a copy of this book if you want, a book about DC from Grinnell Press, with Nathanael as one of the main editors.
You all know I am doing everything I can do and it just is not enough. I have failed. We have failed. We wanted to graduate a son not steeped in debt. A little debt is fine but not buried in it. Every day I am losing sleep, I am losing my hold. I am praying a lot. Some aspects of my faith are changing. I have too much time to kill and these great swaths of time when I feel I should be doing something...this is insanity....I get on a few of my favorite web sites but I need my family right now, all of you guys, I am falling apart.
