I'm just so sad, a healthy sad, I'm so grieving for Fiona. I miss her so much. I have just been crying and crying for an hour. I'm just so thankful that Steve, who knew she was sicker than I thought and didn't tell me, and who seems at first to be so hardhearted, well yesterday he said he gave her some water, and she tried to drink a little but fell on her side. She couldn't even walk. But she climbed into Steve's lap and started purring and fell asleep while Steve was stroking her. I thanked Steve so much for doing that. Fiona knew we loved her even if I was clueless enough not to know how sick she really was. I guess it was yesterday that she stopped eating. Until yesterday she was sick and threw up some hairballs, but she still ate and drank. She always craved milk. I gave her milk but I'm still feeling so sad- did she get enough? Why didn't I suspect something? Calcium deficiency? To top it off, the vet receptionist seemed so cold. I couldn't really afford to run the whole diagnostics just to have them tell me she was sick and going to die and we could try to make her better in order to struggle for some weeks or months and have her die anyway. There's some part of me that thinks maybe she could have recovered. I should have spent the hundreds. Even though Steve would have killed me. I mean he doesn't like spending money on animals but he's still affectionate. I can't believe he really thinks they really have no soul. This whole product-of-evolution just an organism way of thinking. I know deep inside there has to be some part of Steve that loves animals. If a horse is sick, you put it to sleep, right? There's this one part of him that's so stingy with animals, but another part that picks up my sick kitty and pets her while she purrs and falls asleep. He said he knew she was too sick to live but he wasn't telling me. I'm trying to sort it out but I guess I thought it wasn't distemper or anything because none of the other cats were sick. I just thought it was something she ate and she'd get over it. Stupid me.

I've had so many cats run off, be put to sleep, get hit by traffic, be born, be stillborn or die in infancy, and I've never grieved over any of them (except maybe my cats I had in childhood) the way I have grieved over losing Fiona. I think I've grieved over Fiona more than any cat I've ever had. I've loved all the cats I've had. Mona was so special. Blaze. But Fiona was just so special. I can't explain it. I'm so sad.