I totally broke down the other day, total meltdown, cried for so long...had had some bad things at work, and I just felt like having a nervous breakdown. I'm OK now but work is tense. I feel I'm walking a fence between paranoia and sanity. I put in a lot of effort...and then there are a lot of things I don't know and never was taught. Tired of learning by osmosis. So I'm having a very knowledgeable person train me and I'm learning a lot, but is it too little too late? Some people think I'm the cat's pajamas there, and others think I'm an omen of doom.

The fact is one thing happened the other day that both was and wasn't my fault. It was technically the system's fault but I should have caught it. A lot of people make momumental goofs and that seems to be par for anyplace I have worked. I try to get better and I feel sick that this one thing happened and I think my boss was tired of hearing about it. I'm on my own. He shouldn't have to explain me. It isn't his job but it is.
And blah blah blah. I start thinking of other stuff- my kids, my brother's kids, how much I loooooove them!!! How much I DO like this job but also how much any job just has ways of setting up some people (usually me) as...oh wait maybe not...is it me? What is wrong with me? I don't have a good personality with grownups. I really am a social misfit and I do think it's the Aspberger's (or hint thereof) in me. I am an a$$burger. Why do I learn some things SO quickly and then other things it takes me forever if at all!?! Shall I the pot say to my potter, why have you made me thus? OK God, please use me the way YOU want.