this is going to be run-on. Feel free NOT to read this. It's just an exercise for me because I've had thoughts I want to write but I end up too lazy to write them. Went to Juan and LIsa's church this a.m.- for a Bible Study in Spanish- group ended up being Juan, Lisa, me, and Juan's parents. :) Very nice people. Juan, by the way, is my co-worker at HIllman, where I've been employed almost 2 months. Anyway it's one of those big megachurches with powerpoint and worship band...like the Vineyard...with droves of people everywhere, most of them young families. About halfway through the service I felt a very warm feeling, Holy Spirit like...which permeated the crowd. The service is in English but the Mineras can understand it. Lisa actually doesn't speak Spanish. I also met Juanito, whom I've been wanting to meet for months. Unfortunately Juan was embarrassed because he misbehaved in Sunday School...well he's 5...I've been through it...anyway I put in a petition to this church to help me find mentors for my own kids, for Nathanael who never responds to any of the traditional youth-oriented stuff. He doesn't in mainstream society- no reason to think he would in church- I mean doesn't care for contemporary rock music, rap, any MTV type stuff, fashion, etc. etc. etc. so the Christian stuff based on anything like that, well he just doesn't relate. I am seeking a mentor who will check in with him on his own level, resistant or not, bored or not, apathetic or not. When there is a real issue I noticed during earlier years he would pray, he would consult the pastor for help, for example, in a friend's atheism and continuing to love that friend...now he seems kind of, well, stable, never really up or really down...it's hard to know where he is spiritually...as a mom sometimes I end up not so privy to it all because he figures it's something moms are concerned with...at least THIS mom...and so I pray for him and I pray for another person he can relate to. He will confide in me but sometimes I think he needs another person, a guy, a little older than he is, to push him, and challenge him, and make him think a little more. Nathanael is just soooo quirky, always has been, is unlike his peers in most every way. That's what makes him so wonderful and unique and I just don't want him shut off, though. I think God communicates best to him outdoors, on walks, hikes, bikerides...that's where he really does his quiet time, where he peruses his books and does his comics and his journal writing...
Then there's Micah, who seems to relate to everyone and everybody and always has a friend around. I have observed he's smarter than his friends. As in, deductive thinking. As a result, he always is the stronger and the one who decides things. He's also outdoorsy. Active but not into sports. That may be the fault of just the situation of being born into a non-sports oriented bunch. But the kid is open at this time and when miracles occur, big or small, it makes an impact...and God is using these kinds of incidents to mark his mind, to make memories he will rely on in his life.
It's like the memory I have drawn on, actually, when my cat was missing, when I was about 9 or 10 years old. Cotton was gone for a week and I cried every day. After about a week went by I went down to the basement on the old brown couch and just sat and prayed and prayed earnestly for God to lead my cat back to us because I just loved him so much. Well, at that very moment my mom called out from upstairs, "Hey! I see Cotton! He's outside in the yard!" She called downstairs, "You must have been praying right now because Cotton is home!" It was so amazing. I had told no one I was going to pray. We went out to gather our cat who was sick and took him to the vet who gave him pills and he recovered.
This also happened with my other cat, Blaze, and I cried and cried for her, too, and she was gone for about a week, and during that time we even got another cat, and one day when I got home from I don't know what, my brothers and parents said, "come over here, we want you to see something!" Well at that point I had a vague idea that maybe my cat had come home and to my surprise, there she was! That was a case of God answering the desires of my heart even though I don't remember an exact time that I prayed. God answers in different ways in different situations. And he knows the desires of our hearts even when we don't utter them. And answers prayers. What I realize now was that God was laying the groundwork for lots of things later in my life.
There are countless, countless, other incidents like this, that are personal between me and God, right now, that have really made a huge impact in my life, things in my childhood whose symbolism I came to recognize only later in life. God blessed me with a memory of those things. It's so amazing to see that God can work in each individual life. Like mine.

I told you this is run-on, this is a stream-of-consciousness entry with no purpose or point or maybe several...so... it isn't meant for anyone to try to make sense of....so....

spent some time with my little niece and nephew...the soon-to-be-ex SIL is now not at that home now by legal agreement, even during days. She brings the kids to her apt. 3x a week. Including the older ones. I guess Erin can do what she wants in the case because she's legally an adult. SIL's not allowed to be at my brother's house. My brother will stay at that location for about a year more, so Erin at least can live there during her sr. year of high school without changing schools. Then after that if Leah wants to continue to go to that school she'll have to move in w/ her mom. Dave may move closer to Oxford so my parents can babysit often. The house there has become a looming monstrosity to him, physically and financially, with the upkeep in both regards becoming difficult. The carpet is absolutely destroyed, for example. And for our area the mortgage is outrageous (if you live in San Francisco I'm sure you would think it's a drop in the bucket but you're also earning SF money).
All of the homes are McMansions, beautiful, most families young yuppies with wooden swing sets in the backyards (hey we have one of those swingsets but our neighborhood is way NOT yuppie)...I mean it's brand new, trees not grown (mom's complaint)...I would live there but I sure wouldn't want to be housepoor. Housepoor- spending everything on your fricking house which becomes a liability instead of an asset. Not having any money left over to actually enjoy it, put much furniture in it, do anything else. Anyway it's a lovely house except for the utterly hosed carpets but it just doesn't serve his needs anymore. Mom and Dad are going to be caregivers for the little ones and it's frustrating because Hayden will need supervision and it seems like for the foreseeablefuture there just isn't an end...he always needs to be watched. You can't call his name and expect him to respond. I hope at some point, I PRAY at some point, he will respond. That's why watching him is so darn difficult. He runs off and climbs and plays and talks to himself but utterly has no concept of the meaning of "Hayden" as his sense of himself or his ego. These sounds are syllables....often imitated...but what do they mean...he's just overwhelemed and exhiliarated by sensory input when we even go to a restaurant or outside. Every sound, every object, every note, every tone, every texture, is exciting and awesome to him...he notices it all...the rolling clouds, the sounds of white noise, people talking, and it brings him to euphoria to be seeing cars roll down the road. when I line up his toy cars he's in seventh Heaven. A couple of weeks ago I brought him a toy truck, a big blue one, that I had gotten for $4 at a yard sale...didn't know if he'd enjoy it or it would just end up in his bottomless pile of toys. Wow, it was beyond my imagination...he absolutely freaked out in ecstasy over that truck. It's a Little Tykes truck with a cab and trailer, and he just squeals with delight when the cab turns and the trailer is now at an angle to the cab and not straight behind it. And the side AND back doors open and close, open and close, and those things are so utterly awesome to Hayden.
Then there's Sierra, the anti-autistic. LOL You have to utterly switch gears to get into her brain. Her world is all pretend and magical and a fairy tale. She's a princess. she has princess clothes, a princess bed, and ddrinks princess milk. She plays let's pretend and always has a friend over. She's in the middle of every social activity. On the playground she makes a friend every single time. She's hugging and loving and affectionate with everyone. She's so five. She's utterly girly-girl. Refuses to wear shorts or pants-only dresses and skirts. everything is pink and Barbie dolls and pink, pink, pink, lace and makeup and ballerina dancing and pretty pretty pretty and snuggly and cuddly stuffed animals and baby dolls and just girly girly girly girl...she is just too cute to be true.
There could not be 2 more differently-thinking kids and you have to switch gears completely from one to the other...oh they're both so cute and cuddly...they look like little angels.